The Beat the Clock Conspiracy
After reports of vigorous hula activity on Canada road in Woodside, CA, at the beginning of August, CFBNews began to investigate what is now known as the Beat the Clock conspiracy. Here is how the story unfolded.
Aside from the reported suspicious hula activity on that early weekend in August, 2x Olympian Christine Thorburn was seen enhancing her auditory system by attaching a set of panda ears at the start line of a supposedly harmless charity event known as the Beat the Clock time trial series. Despite intensive investigation no new evidence could be uncovered until this past weekend, when hula activity increased again dramatically at both ends of Canada road. Upon sightings of flying sausages followed by bottles of mustard and other AL-iens, local Woodside residents fled the scene in panic in their private helicopters.
The tension increased further when Beat the Clock CEO Patt Baenen-Tapscott announced that several personal records had been broken in this weekend’s event. Patt Baenen-Tapscott was also seen selling performance enhancing products such as Beat the Clock compression socks which are banned by the UCI for use during competition. Furthermore, after intensive water torture by agent Danny and threats of further washouts by hurricane Diddly, an unidentified grace laborer in Massachusetts confessed to rigging the start list such that several key Beat the Clock athletes were in optimal condition in this recent event.
Putting all the information together, it is now clear that Beat the Clock aims at total time trial world domination. Beat the Clock athletes have already successfully infiltrated the medal ranks in regional, district and US national championships in both road and track events. And although Beat the Clock activity has supposedly ceased for 2009, 2010 events are already in the intensive planning stage. An insider in the Baenen-Tapscott household will supply further information exclusively to CFBNews in exchange for gourmet doggy treats.
Stay tuned for new information on the Beat the Clock conspiracy as it unfolds.
Thanks everybody for participating and volunteering in 2009 and another record fundraising amount going to the Lance Armstrong Foundation — no worries, Beat the Clock will be back!!